Insta caption #7: Breakability
It's a cold November morning, and I'm on my way to a film shoot. I'm wearing my green bomber jacket because it's the warmest jacket I own. I'm wearing my black boots because I'll need them for the shoot. It's not exactly porn, but it's something similar. The baseball bat in my hand is a prop for the scene. I'm playing a dog in this scene, and I'll get fisted by the most tender pro-dom leather daddy I know. Before I get fisted, he's gonna fuck me with the bat in my hand. I catch my reflection in a window, and I'm aware that I look like a skinhead. But I just think of this as funny because it's so far from how I see myself. At least until I come home and tell my boyfriend. I tell him like it's a funny story, me walking around looking like a skinhead with a baseball bat in my hand. But he gets angry with me. Because I didn't even consider that I might scare people like this. And he's right; I didn't consider this, because it's so far from how I see myself. Yet, it happens over and over that someone tells me, It's funny, you're actually nice. And strangely, I always feel satisfaction in their surprise. My boyfriend is afraid of even wearing his lavender bomber jacket, especially when he's with me. He's afraid that we'll look like nazis together. But again, it's so far from how I see myself. I just see a body I feel safe in, not because of physical strength, but because I marked it as my own. When I was 14, I starved myself for this purpose. I still wore black boots then, but my body was skinny and pale because I wanted to look like I could break. I wore black eyeliner as well, and my favourite shirt had a target printed on the chest. It's still with me, this breakability. It's what you see when you're surprised that I'm actually nice; I just made a different home for it, a place to keep it safe. And if I ever look scary walking down the street, maybe it's a comfort to know that the strongest I ever feel, is when I'm down on all fours, and that sweet and tender leather daddy punches his clenched fist into my soft pink arsehole.
Original post: 19 January 2024. The photo is a mirror-selfie taken in my bedroom around 1995
